A Letter to Mom

Dear Mommy,

As you know, your grandson is now almost five months old. It's truly amazing, as you said it would be, to watch how much they grow and change day by day. I only wish you could be here to see it. I give you full credit for watching over him as he was brought into the world VERY early, and keeping him healthy and stable. Thank you. He's got every bit of fighting spirit that you had. What a special gift!

We never know what kind of mother we will be. We know what we will aspire to be, what we think we'll be, but those results don't always come to fruition. I've however, had the pleasure of discovering that I am very much like you in so many ways. This pleases me because you are always on my mind, and I am constantly reminding myself of you. Seeing as how this is the closest I will get to being with you, I'll take it. (Granted, I sometimes roll my eyes at myself when I see it happening)

Brutally honest and raw, yet capable of so much love and passion, I can see how my reactions to different situations are sometimes laughable, sometimes pitiful, and sometimes selfless and heartfelt. I also find that there are times I allow that panic and paranoia to creep in, resulting in great laughs from my peers. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but I think for the most part you would be proud of me. I can't take any credit though, for everything I do and feel seems innate...implanted by you over 29 years filled with love, care, and concern.

Aside from being given the name that you chose so many years ago, I notice so many of your special qualities in Harrison. Like being really loud. (See video below) He'll talk forEVER just to be heard, and only seeks acknowledgment. He definitely enjoys a good conversation, as we used to do for hours, only he doesn't last that long. Thank goodness! He also coughs when you clean his ears with a Q-tip. Getting through it is torture, but anything to avoid "Ragu Ears" as you would kindly put it. His greatest attribute, aside from being the most wonderful baby that ever existed, is that he snorts. A true treasure amongst us Enke women, I am so proud to have passed that endearing gem on to him. It may not last, but I'll enjoy it while I can. Tony thinks my snorting is cute. I imagine Harrison won't bag many women if he continues. Hmmm...I may have discovered a Master Plan?? :) He hasn't, however, unintentionally insulted a midget to their face yet. But give him time...

Working. I know. It isn't how you did it, and it isn't how I wanted to do it, either. But Mom, I'm doing my very best, and I hope you know that I've managed to find the best care for your grandson. Your niece. Who now lives two doors down from me. The relationship you asked for us to treasure and continue on your deathbed has turned out to be one of the biggest blessings I could've asked for. And as Lauren, Robert and I were raised as siblings, so will Harrison, Eva, and Luca. The gift of family is irreplaceable and precious, and I can't help thinking that you aligned some sort of parallel for us to follow, as you've sent your graces about us to make things easier. In addition, having Tony's family has been something I never knew I'd find, and now couldn't live without. You led me to this, and I thank you for that as well. Harrison has many "villages" caring for him. Don't worry, no tribes. Nothing primitive here.

I know you know the coming year is going to be a tough one. Daddy is sick, and I know you're watching over him. Please know that he is in good hands, and I'll continue to do everything in my power to keep him safe and happy. Being surrounded by people that love and adore him I know will make the transitions he faces that much more comfortable. You'll roll your eyes with disgust to know that since you've been gone, I've still been unable to educate him on how a dishwasher or washing machine works. I'm sorry for marking your washing machine dial with permanent marker, he needed a visual but it still didn't work. Good thing you bought him underwear for every damn holiday. He never runs out. I digress. Most importantly, he is being taken care of, so don't worry. People will think I'm cruel for saying this, but they don't know our relationship, so I'll say it anyway. Party hard with Janie now, because if and when he shows up, you're back on the clock! Get your rack of lamb and rutabagas ready...and good luck with that because I've stolen all your Le Creuset and All-Clad from the house. I imagine that they have a pretty good set up where you are, so I won't feel guilty about it. Remember that time I called you from the grocery store to ask if a whole chicken was a chicken? Yeah, I haven't improved much since then. I think I'm fancy when I don't burn the Béarnaise and I get a salad on the table. So hijacking your pricey cookware hasn't done much for my culinary talents. Whatever, I know you're laughing.

I've spent the last three years wishing I could get one more kiss from you. One more hug. One more laugh. One more phone call. One more trip through the Dog House drive-thru where you called the owners Communists and you forced us to hide out in the parking lot.

One more anything....

But now, if given the chance, I'd trade that anything to give my son one kiss from you. Just one. Through pictures, I might be able to paint a fragmented picture of you, your character, your legend. But if I could give Harrison that one kiss, I don't doubt for a second that he could capture your entire soul and remember it for a lifetime. This precious child, whose only misfortune will be never knowing you, has become my best way of dealing with your absence. I desperately give to him all the love and affection you were never ashamed to show me, and though I may not reach perfection, I know I have enough love to give him from the both of us. What's more is that I have enough courage and strength to say that.

Thank you, Mom. For demonstrating true love, leading me to love, and giving me the power to love like you did. Unconditionally, irrevocably, and eternally.

Loving and missing you always,

Amanda