Sunday, April 5, 2009

I Am So In Love

How on earth can I sleep.....I have left the son I didn't expect to receive so soon inside an isolette 10 miles away from me. Reality hasn't just sunken in, it's been ground into me in such a forceful and passionate way so much that the reality has become surreal.

I remember all too clearly how friends, family, and even strangers lent their advice so easily..."It's like nothing you'll ever know. Your life will change forever." We scoff at these tidbits of advice, because common sense tells us they are true.  What I didn't realize is that those common sense feelings are so profound that you find yourself permanently physically changed. My advice to future moms will forever be "Just's unreal." 

Look at our son. So perfect. You would never know he's only 3 lbs, 12 oz. That's right. He's gained an ounce over his birth weight. Something the NICU nurses have said normally takes two weeks.  Well, if you know me or my husband, you know that two weeks is way too long for creatures of immediacy like us. Our son basically said, "Screw the feeding tube! I want milk!" And off he went, solely bottle feeding at 3 days old. I never thought feeling like a dairy cow could be so joyous and fulfilling. It's the very least I could do when he's in an isolette rather than my arms. 

He's even smiling. All that hubub about babies not smiling for several weeks is a bunch of...well....hubub. (I'm trying to curtail my cussing with my newfound parenthood.) He smiles so sweetly, letting us know how content he is when he's in our arms. Just the smell of him puts me in a place of Euphoria that I can't even explain.  But if you're a parent, you know how it is. :)  All Harrison needs is a good head massage to show you faces that demonstrate sheer ecstasy and happiness!

This love for my son probably sounds moot to you, but let me add the increased love I have felt for my husband since Wednesday.  I already knew I had found the man of my dreams who continues to amaze and impress me daily. But oh how he cared for me knowing how incredibly scared I was, and what relief came over me as I saw him burst through the OR doors 5 minutes prior to the birth of our son.  He has stepped up in ways I thought no man was capable of, and I just know that despite my sadness of an abruptly ending pregnancy, a baby in the NICU, and no mother of my own to reach out to, all things are possible with this man by my side.  Our precious son is in for a real treat when he realizes the capacity of the man he has been born to, and I will continue to be amazed at the blessing of finding him, marrying him, and giving him my body and soul for a lifetime. Tony, I am so overwhelmed by the immense love and dedication I feel for our new family, and I just want to praise you for all the wonderful things I've seen over the last 5 days. I may be drowning in post-partum depression and withdrawal from our son, but the love I have for you fills me up and keeps me going in ways nothing else ever could. 

Keep Harrison in your prayers.  He is doing so well, and as long as we can get the bassinet up and running, we'll be in good shape. Never mind the fact that we haven't sorted through most of our shower gifts and that we own two bottles.  We'll get there.  Just as God made us ready for the premature birth of this perfect creature, surely He'll send some handymen to our house to prepare his room in a hurry. Harrison's feedings increased approximately 20 minutes ago, and will continue to do so as long as he's ready to eat that much, which has proven successful.  Speaking of, I'm feeling a little top heavy, so I'm off to fulfill one of my God given duties as a mother. Back to the dairy farm, and to dream of another day filled with such wonderful progress and emotion. 

Check for updates soon!


  1. I am so happy to hear that he is doing so well. I am also happy to hear that the hubby is such a good hubby:-) I'm even more happy to hear that you are using your milk (I am a firm believer in breast milk is best, but judge no one for using formula for whatever reason. I nursed Benjamin for 12 1/2 months). It is so good for him and, I guarentee you, is helping him get big and strong for his arrival home!!! I agree with you about the smiling... Benjamin smiled his first day. It's a good sign that he is smiling. Means he's glad to be in God's world and finally held by mommy and daddy. I know there will be a lot going on, but I hope I can meet Harrison when I am in Texas for a visit at the end of May.

  2. Amanda, Tracey and I are so excited for you and Tony! I am sorry you must be apart for a while but relieved that he is happy and healthy. For what it's worth I was 5 lbs 3 oz. at birth and was 3 weeks early. Clearly it stunted my growth.

    Enjoy every moment, each phase of your sons development. It passes quickly. And yes there will be times he does not smell so sweet. But who cares. He is all yours. It is wonderful to hear how excited you and Tony are to have Harrison. One day he will realize how lucky he is to have two people who care for him the most.

    Jason and Tracey Huffman


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